It's not my blogging style to whine and curse about my internal issues like an emo kid on the internet - that was so 7 years ago - but blogging isn't blogging without getting personal once in a while, so here's my one-on-one therapy session with myself that you're all allowed to sit in on.
I am currently facing a struggle of integrity. I feel like at this time in my life I am doing something not because my heart is in it but because of the remote rewards I get for doing it. Why this is giving me so much misery is because I feel like a such liar when I try to motivate myself from a superficial source. I need to imagine what I'll be missing if I quit. But it's getting to the point where I can barely see the benefits this activity promises me. Not that the benefits have lessened or anything, it's just that to me the same things don't mean the same to me anymore. (If that makes any sense.) Another dilemma I'm facing is that when I look around at all the people who seem to be so internally-motivated in this activity, I feel guilty, like I am offending them and their ambition.
I know what you're probably thinking. That it's time for me to quit, right? But grrrr, I just hate being "the one who gave up." Maybe it's an insecurity and fear I have. The kind of fear that will get a person through 8 years of classical ballet after she has concluded that she hates being a ballerina. Sounds uncannily like a true story. The point is there's an intrinsic part of me that's always questioning my endurance every time I consider any sort of resignation. Sometimes this moral-self is something to despise. But ultimately, it's something I have to credit for my reputation of perseverance.
So for now, I'm going to stick to the status quo. I'm just going to wait out my endurance and rely on my nature. Life has only shown me that when something becomes an obstacle to the things I love to do, my tolerance lasts only so much. I'd say this is a fine mechanism.
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